Great Bedwyn has its very own monthly magazine: "PARISH NEWS GREAT BEDWYN, LITTLE BEDWYN & ST KATHERINE'S". I contribute regularly with articles about The Bedwyn Trains Passenger Group. I also write the annual April Fools article. Here are my contributions.
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2022: Archaeologists Discover Second Canal
Archaeologists from University College London (UCL) have discovered what they believe to be a spur from the Kennet and Avon Canal at Great Bedwyn.
It’s been known for some years that Great Bedwyn had a second canal, but nobody quite knew where it branched off and what its purpose was for.
Now, using the latest Ground Penetrating Radar (GPR), archaeologists have found traces of a waterway between Great Bedwyn and Shalbourne.
Ralf Polio, head of industrial archaeology at UCL, said, “This is an exciting development. After two weeks surveying with drones and GPR we discovered what we believe to be a filled in spur from the Kennet and Avon Canal. Though, in the truest sense it’s not actually a spur, but instead a canal in its own right, beginning on the east side of The Wharf. Goods would have been manually transferred between the two canals.”
Local historian, Sally Adolfo said, “We are very excited to have the mystery of the second canal finally resolved. Reference to it was first discovered in the Wiltshire Newspaper archives in a report following the opening of Bedwyn Station in 1862. Railwaymen, sorting goods arriving at Bedwyn Station for transfer onto the canal system, were heard, while handling each package, to call out either ‘Near canal’ or ‘Far canal’ depending on where the package was headed. This lead to the Reverend John Hodgson (vicar of St Mary’s from 1855 to 1875) complaining bitterly, in a newspaper article, about the use of foul language by the railwaymen.”
UCL will be presenting their findings at 11 a.m. at The Wharf on Friday April 1st.
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2021: Retired Police Dogs to Aid Community Speed Watch
Great Bedwyn residents are set to witness a peculiar sight from the beginning of April when retired police dogs will join the community speed watch teams to literally bark out offenders.
Sally Adolfo, head of the Community Policing Teams at Wiltshire Police has chosen Great Bedwyn for the trial. “It’s a new initiative,” said Sally, “when a police dog comes to the end of its active service it’s normally due to wear and tear on their bodies. However, their minds are still alert and keen to continue working in the police environment. What we have managed to do is to train these dogs to bark at speeding motorists. One woof and all is well, two woofs indicates a car travelling at over 20mph and three woofs for over 30mph. The results have been very encouraging with a surprising degree of accuracy.”
Sally then explained that Great Bedwyn has been chosen for its straight stretches of road, allowing the dog time to gauge the speed of the vehicle.
Local Community Speed Watch member, Ralf Polio, joined Sally on a familiarisation visit with one of the chosen dogs, ‘Rook’. “He was a lovely dog,” said Ralf, “even woofed a couple of times when a car sped by, so he’s clearly learning the ropes. I don’t know if it was coincidence but when a 4x4 passed us towing a trailer with non-matching number plates, he cocked his leg. Sally wouldn’t be drawn on whether this was an additional feature of his training.”
The trial is set to begin at 8 a.m. on 01/04/2021 but Sally wouldn’t be drawn on which Great Bedwyn road would be chosen. “That would be giving the game away,” she explained.
So look out everybody, if you get barked at by a police dog it might be time to slow down!
2020: April Fool Prank Leaves Great Bedwyn set to Remain in the European Union
As you are probably aware the Brexit withdrawal agreement went through a number of forms during 2019 before it was eventually signed on 24th January 2020.
Great Bedwyn resident, Ralf Polio, who last March was on secondment from the Home Office to The Department for Exiting the European Union, added a clause to ‘Article 3 – Territorial Scope’ stating that Great Bedwyn was excluded from the withdrawal agreement.
“It was late in the evening and I was a bit bored,” explained Ralf, “and it was at a time when nothing was getting through the House of Commons so, for a bit of a laugh, I added the clause.”
“The problem is my secondment ended on April 1st 2019 and I didn’t get a chance to take it out. Honestly, I didn’t think it’d still be in the document that got signed off in January this year.”
Sally Adolfo, spokesperson for The Department for Exiting the European Union, said, “This is highly irregular and very embarrassing. Ralf, who I know and respect, should have known better. However, we should have noticed it and taken it out. I can only apologise.”
Salot Tucker, the minister responsible for trade across the border between Great Britain and the European Union, said, “Unless we can get an amendment through the house before midday on April 1st we’ll have to put in a similar customs between Great Bedwyn and its surrounding parishes as will be in place with the European Union.”
“It remains to be seen how this will impact upon Great Bedwyn. Hopefully we’ll not get into the ridiculous situation of having to have border checks between Great Bedwyn and its neighbouring parishes.”
The Parish News tried to speak with Ralf Polio, who lives on Church Street, but he’s not answering his door and all his curtains are pulled.
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2019: No Pantomime this year? Oh Yes There Is!
And it’s Jack and The Beanstalk coming all the way, via live video, from The Comedy Theatre, Melbourne, Australia!
When the theatre’s artistic director Sally Adolfo, who has relations in Great Bedwyn, heard that the Great Bedwyn Pantomime Society was taking a break for 2019, she stepped in with a generous offer to link up with their production of Jack and The Beanstalk.
“With Australia being so vast,” she explained, “we broadcast our live productions, via internet HD video link, to kids in the Outback. So it’s easy to piggyback Bedwyn onto one of these shows.”
“And,” she continued, “what’s more exciting is I believe it will be the first use of your new projector and screen that you have been busy raising funds for.”
Indeed Sally is quite correct – this special screening will be the first use of the projector equipment that Great Bedwyn resident, Mike Younger, has worked so hard to achieve.
So well done Mike, and well done Sally for stepping in and keeping the pantomime alive in Great Bedwyn.
Due to the time difference between Great Bedwyn and Melbourne the show will start at 8 a.m. on the 1st of April at the Village Hall. Doors will open at 730 a.m. Tickets will be £7 (adults) and £3.50 (children) on the door.
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2018: Great Bedwyn Archaeological Dig Usurped
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It appears that the 2017 Great Bedwyn archaeological dig, run by University College London (UCL), has been usurped by a team from the University of Woolloomooloo, Australia. Unbeknown to UCL, Professor Salot Tucker (of the Woolloomooloo archaeology department) has since conducted his own survey with residents he contacted via Facebook.
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“The residents of Great Bedwyn have really stepped up to the mark,” said Tucker. “Twenty five residents agreed to have one meter holes dug in their gardens and, during March, a team of contractors did the excavations. The results were staggering. Scratch the surface and Great Bedwyn literally bleeds archaeology.”
“Great Bedwyn has been inhabited much longer than we first thought. One hole in Farm Lane revealed a model of Muffin the Mule, indicating that the area was inhabited pre ITV. And another in Forest Hill revealed the door handle off a Morris Minor.”
“And it hasn’t just been our teams of contractors that have been unearthing artefacts. Just the other day a lady in Church Street contacted me. Whilst burying her pet poodle she unearthed the ring pull off a can of Tizer. It’s thought to date from 1978 and shows that the area has been inhabited longer than we first thought.”
Asked if owners were perturbed by having one meter square holes dug on their property, Tucker explained, “Not in the least. One property owner, in Brook Street, allowed us to dig twelve holes to a depth of two meters each. Initially we didn’t find anything, but when we went back a week later the owner had concreted in the holes for us and built an extension. Such was his generosity he even allowed us to take the spoil away for further analysis.”
A spokesperson for UCL said, “It is regrettable that two digs have taken place in such close proximity. This does sometimes happen; the rivalry between universities can get a bit intense at times. Professor Tucker normally liaises with us but for some reason has gone it alone this time.”
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An exhibition of the finds will open on Sunday April 1st, 10 a.m. at the Cricket Club.
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2017: Phone Box to be Revamped
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BT have announced our village centre telephone box (a type K6 dating from 1936) is to be revamped and reinstated. Spokesperson Sally Adolfo said, “Under the ‘Area Participation Rural Initiative Local Funding Obligatory Openness Levy’ a sum of money has been set aside to bring the phone box in Great Bedwyn back into use.”
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“With such weak mobile phone signals in the village,” she continued, “I’m sure the facility will have many takers. The phone to be installed will be on a new network and, for anybody that wishes to take a note, the new number will be 01042017.”
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2016: Calling all Crochet Experts
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Can you crochet and can you help us out on Friday April 1st to avert a potentially embarrassing situation?
The “Cheltenham Retired Ladies Crochet Society” have booked to visit the Bowls and Croquet club hut at 10AM on April 1st. When we took the booking we assumed they were just looking for a suitable venue for a day out. On receiving their confirmation letter, and cheque, it’s clear they are looking forward to a day of crocheting with likeminded people of Great Bedwyn. We haven’t the heart to tell them that they have mixed up croquet and crochet so we are calling on volunteers to join them for the day while masquerading as a local crochet club.
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So whether your bag is chain stitch, slip stitch or a half double can you join us on the 1st? Tea and cake will be provided.
If you can help then please email me, Sally Adolfo, at Sally.Adolfo@hotmail.com
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2015: Thunderbirds 1 and 2 to Fly over Great Bedwyn
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Anybody up and about at 0653 on 01/04 is set for a treat as Thunderbird 1 and 2 will fly over the village. Thunderbirds, the cult 1960s TV series, is celebrating its golden anniversary and, as part of the celebrations, the iconic Thunderbird 1 and 2 will return to Slough where the series was filmed.
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Head of celebrations, Ralf Polio, has said, “These fifty year old craft are currently housed in the National Air and Space Museum in Washington, DC but will return home in 2015 for their golden jubilee. Unfortunately we won’t be cranking them up to the speeds seen in the TV series but these old ladies can still put on an impressive show. They will take six hours to cross the Atlantic and will make land at Bristol, UK at 0600 then follow the Kennet and Avon Canal then the Thames before landing at Heathrow at 0730. They’ll then be taken by road back to their original home in Slough where they will be on show for the rest of the year.”
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We are informed that the timings are very precise to fit in with air traffic control regulations. So don’t be late and miss this F.A.B event!
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2014: Parish News Prize Crossword Competition
Starting from April we are running a monthly prize crossword competition. This month the clues are all to road names or places in Great Bedwyn. So if you get stuck simply remember it’s a road name or place in Great Bedwyn. When you have completed the grid the prize will be revealed by the letters occupying the shaded squares. Simply write the name of the prize, your name and contact details on a postcard and drop it in the box provided in The Stores on or after the 1st of the month. The winner will be drawn on the 18th of the month.
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Of course the answer spelt out that you've been an April Fool.
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2013: Great Bedwyn to Get Metro Service
On February 18th the Department for Transport announced that Great Bedwyn has been selected to trial HDTODS (Hitachi Driverless Transport on Demand Service).
The new system is part of a research project between Hitachi and the DfT. It aims to bridge the gap between car and public transport by providing public transport on demand.
DfT spokesperson, Salot Tucker, stated, “We must apologise for the late notification to the residents of Great Bedwyn. Originally we’d chosen Ambelside in the Lake District but the gradients proved too great for the prototype vehicles. We switched to Great Bedwyn as it is flatter and offers a station and several bus stops to connect with the wider public transport network.”
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The system requires little installation as the two Hitachi vehicles, deployed for this trial, are battery operated and rubber tired. They navigate by the latest GPS technology to keep them ‘on track’. They will follow fixed routes, one going clockwise and the other anticlockwise. The DfT have released the following map:
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Each ‘stop’ will consist of two buttons on a short post; one for anti clockwise and the other for clockwise. When a potential passenger presses one of the buttons the appropriate vehicle will make its way to the ‘stop’. When the passenger wishes to alight they press an onboard button and the vehicle will automatically pull over. When a vehicle is not in use it parks itself. The service will run for a three month trial (starting 6AM on 01/04/2013), will be available twenty four hours a day and will be entirely free.
Steve Smith, Bedwyn Trains Passenger Group, said, “This has taken us completely by surprise but we welcome the move and are delighted that Great Bedwyn has been chosen to pilot this system. However, we are a little concerned that this might be a sweetener by the DfT to soften the impact of the loss of our direct Paddington services.”
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2012: Olympic Torch to Come Through Great Bedwyn
The Olympic Flame will come within 10 miles of 95% of people in the UK but for us lucky enough to live in Great Bedwyn it’ll come virtually to our doorstep.
A last minute change of plan has re-routed the torch from the A4 (between Marlborough and Hungerford) via Great Bedwyn to link up with the canal tow path to Hungerford.
Lord Coe, chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, announced on February 20th that the flame would take a minor detour. “It’s a question of safety,” he said, “The A4 is simply too busy so we have had to re-route it via Savernake Forest.”
This means the torch will come into the village via the path behind Shawgrove, turn left onto Church Street, right at The Chains then via Brook Street to the canal tow path. It has not yet been confirmed who will be carrying the torch through Great Bedwyn but it’s rumoured to be Marlborough resident Sally Adolfo, who is being rewarded for her work with totally and utterly gullible people.
The torch should enter the village between 1130 and noon on Sunday April 1st.
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2010: Pantomime Society appearing in the West End for a one show special.
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West end impresario Ralf Polio, who lives in Great Bedwyn, was so impressed by The Pantomime Society of Great Bedwyn's recent production of 'Puss in Boots' he has invited the cast to perform a one off production at The London Hippodrome on Thursday April 1st.
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All monies raised will go to the Retired Pantomime Horse Society. A spokesperson for the charity said,"We are delighted The Pantomime Society of Great Bedwyn has been given this opportunity and are even more delighted that we have been chosen to be awarded the proceeds of the event. Many people do not realise the poverty and suffering these horses can go through when their performing days come to an end. Some of them arrive here very disorientated and barely able to walk in a straight line. This will greatly help our work and hopefully raise our profile."
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Note this was picked up by BBC Radio Wiltshire and the presenter, Matthew Smith, interviewed the editor of the Parish News, Andrew Hutchison. Here is the interview - as an added twist Matthew is my first cousin.